Wednesday, September 2, 2009

driving hazards

dear long island:

i dont care that you have never been off the island except to fly your xenophobic ass to disney or on a cruise. you still should know basic rules of the road. just in case you dont... here are 10 helpful hints:

1. the left lane is the fast lane. when you drive at or below the speed limit in the left lane and 5 cars pass you on the right, IT IS A HINT TO PULL THE FUCK OVER INTO THE OTHER LANE.

2. the "no hand-held cellphone while driving" law in new york also applies to texting. if you drive off the road while texting at 65mph, no one is going to rescue you.

3. a red light means stop. it does not mean downshift and gun it through the light [thats a yellow], it does not mean honk at the person ahead of you who stopped, and it does not mean stop, wait until you get bored, and go anyway.

4. the shoulder is for emergencies. this does not include passing stopped traffic and then cutting back in again 10 cars later. it also does not include driving with your right signal on as if preparing to turn, and then cutting off an entire line of traffic when you accelerate ahead of them. if you do either of these moves, new yorkers have a legal right to shoot on sight. [not really]

5. slowing down for no reason is a good way to cause massive traffic backup and road rage. slamming on the brakes to gawk at an accident will also cause another collision, and you being a new yorker, will then sue the person behind you for following too close and will feign horrible neck pains.

6. merging is not a contact sport. neither is it a competition to see who has the biggest penis. IT. IS. NOT. YOU. do not rev the engine as someone is trying to merge from a ramp in evening traffic.

7. emergency lights [fire truck, police car, ambulance] mean something is happening. someones life may be in danger. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY. in order to accomplish this simple task, you must not speed around the other people who are pulling over, or stop directly adjacent to another vehicle as the emergency vehicle cannot pass by.

8. you are not important. the other 75,000 cars on the road are also trying to get somewhere.

9. the lever just behind your steering wheel is called a blinker. in other countries it is called an "indicator" or a "signal". it alerts cars around you as to your intentions and shows you are not a complete douche.

10. no matter how much you spent restoring your car or buying it new, burning rubber from a stop light is not cool. you look like an absolute imbecile and you probably are swerving around trying not to fishtail.

thanks for continuously renewing my lack of faith in humanity. see you tonight on the roads!



  1. Hear hear! I am SO incredibly sick of drivers who are aggressive, distracted, drunk, or just plain incompetent. We'd solve both the traffic problem and prevent a lot of accidents if you just lost your license for five years if you're caught driving like an asshole.

    Although, there's an exception to the left lane is the fast lane when you are a mile or so from a left exit. I hate when people come up behind me and flash their lights because I'm in the left lane, when I'm about to take the exit!

    And I want to tell the contact sport lane changers and weavers this: You Don't Matter..

  2. that kitty is so adorably ugly. and it should be on billboards all over long island.


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